Note: this post has been 'sitting' in my draft for a few days now. Finally got the chance to blog it out today because (1) I'm using my laptop and (2) the internet connection I am currently using right now is stable *hint: office Wi-fi*. Nevertheless, I will try to write it in present tense to keep it interesting. 

nowplaying: We Are Young - Fun feat Janelle Moore

Ever since I blogged for, I don't know how many donkey years ago, I had always wanted to write a letter to myself. Actually, I wanted to write a letter to myself during my birthday but somehow I was not that inspired to do it. But after reading Timothy Tiah's Dayre yesterday (November 12th), I decided to write a letter to the 16 year old me, who is a confused teenager, wondering what will happen to her in the future. I even sent the link to Rachel and she approved of it. So I asked her if I should share to the rest of the kumangs;  she said it's up to me. Initially, I wanted to share my Dayre link, but because I wrote the letter in two days, I decided that I just copy and paste it here, in this blog, so less hassle lah. Here is the letter, and enjoy reading.

Earlier this morning, I had my daily dose of @timothytiah's Dayre and he wrote a letter to himself called #letterto16me . I was so inspired reading his post, and I had always wanted to write a letter to my own self so this is me, joining in the wagon to write a #letterto16me.


Dear Marcella.

So now you are in Form 4, in a science stream class because you achieved straight 7A's for your PMR. Congratulations. And you are currently going strong (sort of) with your boyfriend who is 3 years older

than you. But then, something happened along the way and you two broke up. Well, if I put it harshly, he had to leave you because he made a woman pregnant with his child.

But if you must know, you find yourself a new replacement after that. Not bad for a girl with spectacles and average looking, huh? And you already imagined in the future that you will get married to him, and have a family with him etc. Again, my dear, you are wrong. The only thing you have common with him is that your love

for P.Ramlee movies and that he looks a bit like Awal Ashaari. Your relationship with him too, failed a year later but I tell you what. All these break ups, eventually shape you into the person you are today. I know it was not easy for you to forget him (you were still thinking of him when you were entering into a new relationship with a guy who impacted your life), but you will eventually realized why you are not meant to be with him. And when you do, you would say, "what was I thinking the

whole time when I was with him?" Yes, there are times you actually think about it but eventually you will laugh it off, just like you normally do Hahaha.

Oh. Remember your best friends, (Let's just call them) A and F and AL? you will be surprised to know that they are no longer your go to people anymore. After you turn 21, it was really hard to keep in touch with them, because everyone basically has their own life. You just entered your first year of university, A just finished her studies in

Giatmara while F just started studying again at ICats (because her parents believe that only education can change her life). AL on the other hand, managed to get herself into nursing school and surprise! She got married at the age of 23 and has a baby boy at the age of 24. The reason why I said that they are no longer your go to people anymore is because, they just don't insert the same effort to keep in touch with you, just like how you did to them. You eventually got fed up with just words,

and decided that indeed action speaks louder than words. you will still be friends on this social media call Facebook and Instagram, but that is the closest of the interaction that you have to them rather than you just lost contact just like that. In a way, social media actually do save our lives when it comes to keeping in touch with others.

In terms of education, you dream to go to private college such as Sunway College. You don't care that it actually costs a lot and your parents can't afford it because they are just government servants and you come from a middle income family. Surprisingly, your dream school changes once you finished Form 5 and again during your Form 6 years. Try and Guess where you ended up doing your degree? (In a course that you NEVER dream you would actually do)

That is you, in front of your Alma mater, Universiti Malaysia Sarawak, or famously known as UNIMAS. When you were in your upper 6, you actually said that you don't want to end up there because it's still in your hometown. But look at you, posing in front of your alma mater, proudly.

You graduated with a Bachelor Degree of Finance in Honours. Yes, FINANCE. Something you never had dreamt in a million years that you would do. There are times, especially in your second years, you doubted yourself on why you are chosen to study Finance (of all the people out there). However, you always choose to look at the bright sight of things and believe that this course is just a door that opens up an opportunity that will come in your life. Yes, my dear. You would be very much surprise of

how positive you are as a person, compared to the time when you were in secondary school.

In Unimas as well, you eventually will meet with these group of people whom you will never thought in a million years will play such an important role in your life. One of them is your soul sister, Rachel Rinta, who's standing just next to you on your left. You always believe that soul mates come in the form of another gender. Now, let me tell you a few facts about your soul sister, Rachel Rinta. Rachel is actually one year younger than you. Pure Iban from Betong, has two elder brothers and one

younger sister. The reason why she is your soul sister, a female version of your soul mate is that because, you both have the same frequency in thinking, either if it comes to life, friendship, anything lah. You two, made a really great team when it comes to assignment that whenever you two group up with Lajing and Achis, you two are so dominant as compared to your male counterpart Lol. She is very good at analyzing data, and you are good when it comes to theory and facts. So, when you two

combine, you two created a very strong character of each other. The best part about your friendship? You both can actually finishes each other's sentences (mind you, you never have this when you were in your serious relationships , or have yet to find your male soul mate).and communicate just by using your eyes. Yes, that is how close you are to her. She is also a good listener to you, especially when you just broke up with A, and when you were having roller coaster of emotion when it comes to

this particular guy, Let's just call him "your future husband". And because she loves you so much, she is never afraid to tell you the truth, even though if it hurts you. This is the main reason why you don't go to A, F or AL anymore. Because when you come to them with your emotional problems, they keep on saying all the good things, and not let you see the truth for the fear that you might get hurt.

Wow. My #letterto16me is actually longer than I think hahaha.

In terms of work, you would be very much surprise on what position and where you ended up. This one, I let you discover by yourself because I can't tell you much as I just started this journey. But I can tell you this though. No matter how people around you are trying to push you away from what you are doing, stand on your ground, take baby steps towards success. Give yourself time, because success don't come easily. Just ask your

leader, your mentor, how did success comes to her, and how she defines success. You would be surprise that you really look up to her as a role model, even though she looks like any other aunty that you've seen; very motherly, very friendly. Don't worry. Know that you are in the right team, and believe that you will achieve what you want to achieve (which is leading a group of people and making an impact in people's life), you are already half way there, tasting your own success.

 Oh, before I end this #letterto16me, I want you to know, that, believe it or not, you are 24 years, 9 months and one week old (as of when this picture was taken). You are no where near a relationship (you have been telling yourself that you'll get married at the age of 25 or 26 I don't know who or why you are influenced to think that way hahaha). You do have someone in your mind though, of who you want to spend your life with (clue: future husband. Double Lol). You will not expect that you

actually want him to be in your life. There are a few reasons why you want him to be your husband (Lol omg); I'm not gonna reveal here why though. It is for me to know, and for you to find out.  Because there will be one point in your life (or maybe a few more points, Idk. I hope not. The first one already hurts like hell, and it's even worst than your break up with A. Don't believe, ask your best friend, Hany. ) that you will experience an emotional roller coaster when it comes to him.
But I tell you what. Just keep believing in the law of attraction, and the power of visualization (you will be shock to know that you've actually practiced it long before you know the law existed), and for all you know, you will end up with him. 


Lots of love,
Future Marcella (age 24)

I still remember, three years ago, I've searched high and low for answers to so many unanswered questions that I have in my head. 

Questions that sometimes haunt my head for days and nights. 

Until the day I decided to move on, and up until the day I decided to make peace with my hurtful past (mind you, these two things are not necessarily connected. 

You can move on in your life, but it doesn't really mean you have make peace with your past), 

I decided that sometimes some questions are meant to be unanswered. 

However, after some (more like almost every night) heart to heart talk with Lis, 

I can say that I actually find some answers to the unanswered questions that used to bug me for the past few years. 

But despite of all that, I realized that,

even though I only found out of the answer now, I have moved on so far from the thoughts that haunt me. 

Some songs that used to be associated to the pain, when I listened back now (one of it is Part of The List by Ne-yo), the feelings are not there anymore.

Now, they are just songs to me.

I've tried to read my old emails, that used to bring tears in my eyes, now I just feel nothing. 

Numb, nothing. 

It's like it had never affected me at all, when in reality, back then the smallest thing used to hurt me so bad. 

Perhaps that is why people said that, 

"Sometimes, some questions are meant to be unanswered. "

It is to prepare you so that you can move on faster than you actually think you can.

So that you stopped asking the "what ifs ",

Because by asking those "what ifs ",will suck you back to the dark hole that you are trying so hard to move out from. 

Believe me when I say this;

"Some questions should just remained unanswered. 

Only then you will make peace with your heart and your past."

Last night, I hang out with the soul sister at Premier 101. 

*thank heavens it wasn't raining, the sky was clear, except for the half moon.* 

This spot and us kumangs, go waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in time (it sounds as if it was a very long time, but actually, it is not haha).

But last night, when we both sat at our usual table when we go there, which is coincidentally, 101 lol,

it somehow sinks to us that the table seems bigger, that it was only the two of us there, as opposed to the usual quorum of Vic, Tina, Achis, the soul sister, and I (sometimes there's Mijot or Elly).

It sounds sad (to the extent that I sometimes make myself emo thinking about it good Lord *facepalm*), that we both are living in the same city, but we HARDLY see each other.

The last time I saw my soul sister, was during Tina's wedding weekend. 

And that was in May. Yes, it was THAT long.

Give me one reason why I shouldn't feel emo about this. Harh? Harh?

Hahaha kidding. 

Maybe we didn't really have the time to see each other much, because let's face it, after university, everyone is basically living their own life now. 

Not because they have to, it's just, LIFE, as we know it.

LIFE GOES ON. 

Whether you like it or not.

But, we keep in touch with each other with Whatsapp every now and then.

Thank God for technology though.

And yet, we still can talk about almost anything and everything, updating on each other's life (well, mine's mundane for the time being so last night, basically was about her) as well as how the other kumangs are doing.

Imagine, we arrived Premier 101 around 8, left around almost 11.

That's two solid hours of just talking, some preaching, some rants, lots of eating (eventually couldn't finish the cha kueh, french fries and fried mushroom we ordered lol) and three rounds of ordering green tea and chrysanthemum tea.

If it wasn't for our bladder who just screams "STOP TALKING!! GO TOILET!!! NAOOOOOO!!!",

I can imagine we would be just sitting there and talk until midnight, when the workers are arranging their chairs and tables.

And.... also it's a weekday so I consider that too because Rachel is working.

I do not want her to go to work zombie-fied. 

I can be mean, but not to THAT extent haha.

Putting some of my emo-ness aside (lol), the reason how I know I can keep my friendship with Rachel (as well as Vic, and Pris, but Rachel got the spotlight here, k mangs?) is because I know that no amount of time is enough to just talk about anything and everything to her.

I mean, c'mon. 

This is the girl whom I can communicate ONLY with eyes sometimes, okay?

Who else does that, really?

I may not have a sister, but it's okay, because among the sisters from another mother that God had sent to me is her, Rachel Rinta, my soul sister. 

A question asked to me by a friend of mine earlier last night: 

"Have you ever wonder, perhaps whatever that's happened is all because of 'timing'?

Like for example, a person who is really sick, determines to get Well in any ways possible.

Say, he chooses to go and see a dukun, 

And the dukun said to him to say a certain mantra. 

He did as what the dukun had said, and he gets well eventually. 

So this guy thought that the dukun is a real deal, and not just some fraud who wants his money. 

Plus, in order to see that dukun, he had to go through a lot of challenges (I.e drive miles and miles away, had to take a boat upstream, just to see this dukun.) 

But what he doesn't know is that, perhaps God has written in his life that he will get well at that exact moment, exact time, irregardless of what his method may be (even if it might be wrong).

And all those challenges that he had gone through ,are just obstacles to make him stronger. 

Have you ever think of life that way? "

My honest answer? 

NO, I never think of it that way.

But I believe, that everything that has happened is due to God's timing, whether we like it or not.

If we move ahead of God, we might be interrupting Him in whatever that he is giving to us. 

Be it a blessing or a lesson.

And if you are lucky, it can come in both ways. 

If that is the case, then I am lucky, because you are both a lesson and a blessing in my life. 

You may not be in my life anymore, or I am in yours, But I am grateful that we had crossed paths not once, But a few times. 

From the memories that we had, 

I learn not to move ahead from God's timing, no matter how hard I try to.

And because of the realization, I was able to make peace with some of the demons in me that I thought would stay in me forever. 

And for this, I wanna say, thank you Lord for this beautiful gift of yours.

Yesterday afternoon, as I was driving back from the airport after a great chat with Aunty Eileen,

I was thinking to myself, 

"WHAT DO I REALLY WANT TO DO IN MY LIFE?"

Now allow me to tell you to what has been happening in my dull life for the past eight months:

JANUARY - sat for my FINAL, final exam of my university years.
Kumang's day out. Highlight of the day: helped Tina prepare her wedding playlist.
Celebrated a quiet birthday with the soul sister and her sister.
Celebrated CNY and my belated birthday with the family (including Uncle Joe's who flied all the way from Miri to be with us).

FEBRUARY - Jobless.
Attended PRUCheese program done by Aunty Eileen's team. Definitely an eye opener experience.
Celebrated Valentine's Day with the best friend by going on a girly girl night out at The Library.
Received an offer to become a relief teacher at SMK Batu Lintang for one month. Or so it seems.

MARCH - Officially become a relief teacher at SMK Batu Lintang. Oh, btw, I teach History for Form 4 and Form 6. *yes, yawn away*
Got a confirmation letter from UNIMAS that I will be graduating this year. Woots!
Sat for pre-contact exam and passed.
Hang out with Vic, Rachel, Achis and Jess and got the invitation card for Tina's wedding.

APRIL - Still a relief teacher as I got extended TWICE in the month.
Gain a realization that healthy lifestyle is the way after the school's sports day, so I started to jog every evening.

MAY - Back to being jobless.
Managed to loss some weight after jogging and crash diet.
Helped Aunty Eileen and her team at UITM when they opened up a career drive booth.
Tina's wedding.
Had a fling (nothing sexual though).

JUNE - Gawai! Foods galore. *yeap, you guess it, I gained back all the weight I lost in May.*
Little brother entered UITM for diploma. How did time flies so fast?
Sat for CEILLI exam.
Started to apply for more jobs.
Helped Elly to move out from her rental house.

JULY - Sent Elly to the airport, where she is going back to Sabah for good.
Passed my CEILLI exam.
Got a call to attend an interview from the many jobs that I've applied.
Met Aunty Eileen and she had offered a work opportunity with her team.
Got another call from the interviewer that I managed to go through the second round of interview.

AUGUST - Went for the second interview, and out of the 50 people from the first interview, I was among the 9 people selected, and the first three people out of the 9 of the second round interview.
Finally talked to Aunty about that work opportunity with her team.


Oh, let me tell you about the second round of interview.
The job that I interviewed for is a sales job, therefore, for the second interview, us candidates were asked to pitch a sale on any product of our choice.
I was asked to come on Monday, along with another two candidates, I was the second presenter.
While I was waiting for my turn to present, my heart beats fast, but it's not really because I'm nervous.
Maybe because I just want to present and get over with.
I get that all the time before doing a presentation.
When it was my turn to present, I just went in front, and just started to talk, like how I would talk to my friends, acquaintances, or course mates.
I feel the adrenaline rush from just, talking, engaging with people.
I feel so, alive.
Sure the interviewer, along with his senior workers who were there to evaluate us, tried to ask hard questions just to throw me off; that is what they are supposed to do.
They want to see if these people that they interview, are the right people for the job, especially, if it is a sales job.
But I can say, that I managed to answer every single question that they throw at me, in confidence (although the answer might not be the right one haha).
This exposure, is something that I had learnt when I did my internship with Aunty.
So if you asked me, do you think I could get the job,
my answer would be, if the interviewer had to choose the best of the best from all the three interview sessions,
I can say I know I am the best for my session (I've seen the other two candidates' presentation, and I can safely say, I did better than them, not being over confident here, but, you get me), and I think I can be among the three that got selected for the job.

Now, the job opportunity with Aunty Eileen.
Aunty Eileen is *how do I put this delicately, in a way not to scare you people about it* involve in the financial planning business, working under a big, prominent, financial institution.
I got to know her as my intern manager, but as time passes, I still keep in touch with her because I find her very inspiring, especially that she wants to help as much as she can with our Bumiputera people.
Every time she is in town, be it for a project or work purposes, I somehow always managed to be wherever she is.
Even if it is only for a few hours, I am always there.
And after finally talking about her plans of bringing me into her team yesterday (she had been talking about this since March, it was during the time I became a relief teacher), I can safely say, I was intrigued.
I have been with her team (although not as a person who properly working with them) for a while now, and I enjoyed being around these people.
They are fun to be with and very professional when it comes to their job.
I get to meet new people every time, without fail, which is something that I enjoy actually.