A Letter to the Person Who Made Me Who I Am Today



nowplaying – Ku Pilih Hatimu (Ussy & Andhika Pratama)

It has been, three years, ever since you let me go and moved on way ahead without me. All the dreams that we had dreamt together, gone just like that, like it never meant a thing to you. I will never forget the moment that you decided to just give up on us, when I was willing to try again. AGAIN. Yes, we had our moments of giving up on each other, not once, not twice, but a few times. However, somehow our love seems to manage to overcome everything. But eventually, love is not enough.

I spend three years, searching for answers, demanding for answers, looking for love at the wrong places. But then I eventually realize, the one missing element of these never ending puzzles of love is actually, myself. I had forgotten how to love myself that I thought by having a significant other in my life will make me complete. How wrong I was. I never realized that throughout all those years being involved in a relationship, I lost who I was; the little girl with a big voice who loves to tell stories to others. I become the person whom the other person expected me to be; for fear of if I don’t be like whom they want me to be, they will not love me more than they do.  

And surprisingly, the moment I took the decision to love myself for all the good and the flaws of me, good things started to come to me. I finally found the people who actually make me feel good for being myself, being Marcella Julan. I found someone who is responsible in bringing me and groom me and slowly nurture me to be into who I want to be, which is to be a leader for a group of great people. If it were not for you, I have not known that I actually have a soul mate, in the form of a female, whom I fondly call my “soul sister”. Before this, I had always thought that soul mates come in the form of a guy (or a girl, if you are a guy). I was wrong. She is the proof that I can find a soul mate in the form of a girl, a sister from another mother, you can safely say that. If it weren’t for you, I would actually forget that I am actually an independent person in my own way. I know I have always been independent, being the eldest, and having to have to face a certain degree of difficulties when I was younger. But when you came, you assured me that you will always be there for me if I needed anything. I took your words for it, even though at first, it was not easy for me. Eventually, when I was getting used to it, you leave, just like that, leaving me helpless in a way. But because I had always been independent long before you came into my life, it didn’t took me long enough to get back up on my feet.

I will not tell the world how you ended things (only those who are lucky enough will know the story) because I believe that it is your moment of weakness; everyone has their own moment of weakness. Even I do. Despite of how things end, I decided to forgive you for what you have done. I still remember the best friend’s reaction on my decision to decide to forgive you; she thought that I was crazy, or something. But I told her, that I’ve tried to be angry at what you have done, but when I do, it makes me realize that I actually love you more. So to just end the misery of loving someone who doesn’t loves me back, I decided to just forgive you. For you make mistakes, you are only human. Even a priest has his own patience, what more to say you, who had to endure so many temper tantrums of mine. Only after a while I found out that actually, it takes courage to forgive someone who has hurt you. I guess, you have made me courageous enough that I can actually decide to forgive you, even before knowing that fact. 

I can go on and on about what have you done in making an impact in my life but I decided not to because I don’t think the world would want to know. I know you wouldn’t want the world to know, because I know how private of a person you are. And you actually taught me that too, that not everything should be shared to everyone. My close friends know how extrovert I am, but they too know how much I value my privacy, especially on social media. So thank you for teaching me that valuable lesson, among all of the lessons you have taught me on life, love, work, and dreams.

If there is one thing that I have wanted ever since three years ago, I would say that I just want a proper closure. As for the answers to the questions that keeps on playing on my head like a broken record, I can say that most of it is eventually answered after a series of events that happened (not necessarily to me, but in a way, I can see how the event affected the people I love and know). And if possible, I want to say “thank you” to you in person, I want you to know, that despite of how things ended between us, it eventually made me, mould me into a better person, into who I am today. I believe that God sent you into my life for a reason, and He removes you from my life from a reason too. And for whatever reasons they are, I am thankful for that. You are just a chapter in my life; the best, and the worst chapter(s) in my life. I am now at a different chapter of my life, it feels like a new beginning to me. A new city, surrounded by people I don’t really know, and a totally different environment. But it’s a good change, because I like it here. In some ways, I feel like I’m coming home, and I can foresee myself staying here for a very long time. I may not be lucky in terms of the closure part as the next person I know, but I guess perhaps it’s for a reason. I feel like I’m ready, but maybe God thinks I’m not. Who knows bah, kan? So I just end this letter to you by saying “thank you” and good luck in your life. God knows how much I want the best for you, although I don’t know how much you wish the best for me. May God bless you always in life. 

CONVERSATION

2 comments darling:

  1. This is soul-wrenching and so honest. Im glad you've decided to forgive and move on, and there's nothing more profound that finding a soul-sister and a confidante. You have a good life now. All will be well in the end. God bless. :-)

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    1. I have forgiven him long time ago, and move on soon after forgiving. It was because of the breakup, I eventually got close to the friend whom I call "my soul sister". And because I am at a new chapter of my life which somehow makes me realizes that all those things we used to talked about, applies to what I am doing now, I feel compelled to write this. Thank you for reading my blog, even though I hardly update it these days. Haha. :)

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