Page 19 of 366: The One That Got Away

1:29 A.M
Kuching time.


It's quiet right now. Everybody's sleeping, for it is a school night. I couldn't get myself to sleep. I am sleepy, but I know if I off the lights, all I do is toss and turn; thinking of you, making scenes that I know will not happen in reality. It is so quiet, that I can hear your voice saying all those things that you've said to me before. After September 2011, everything changes. We are no longer close than we used to be. You no longer text me like you did before; you never replied my text to begin with. I know that you are busy, but as busy as you are, if I am someone that you actually consider important in your life, you would reply my text no? Because you know I will do that for you. In fact, I do that to those whom I really care. I guess, you don't care about me anymore. I guess, after you've seen how independent I am after you bring out the best in me, you think that I don't need you anymore in my life. But yet, I still think that I do need you. And that explains why I still look for you whenever I find myself getting into trouble, because I think that I need you to help me. 

However, 

as the days go by, I realized that I don't need you as much. I have been down in the dumps lately, all I can think off is depressing thoughts. That I might be failing a couple of subjects this semester. There was that one point I actually wanted to call you and talk to you, just like old times. But who am I kidding? Old times are what it is, old. And you have other priorities too. Who am I talking about? I'm talking about her. She needs you more than I do. I survived my break up long ago. She is going through it, of course she needs you more. And who knows, with you being by her side (although it may be only one phone call away), she will survived too, just like me. 


I can't deny that you helped me a lot during the whole ordeal. Having those late night talks with you, I finally found what I have lost which I thought I still had, ME. And by the way you treated me, I know I am very safe whenever I am out with you. I had never feel that safe even when I was with A before. You made me feel very special, maybe I took it the wrong way, I thought you only do that to me. Turns out, you do that to her too. And her, and her, and her.....

Nevertheless, 

The way you treated me, made me fall in love with you. And to tell you the truth, this is the first time I had fallen in love with my heart, and not with my eyes. Before this (I'm taking into account my serious relationships only, not the flings/crushes), when I was 14 I fell in love with a bad boy because I was rebelling. When I was 16, I fell in love because of his good looks.  And when I was 18, I fell in love because someone promised me the world. But guess what? In all those three relationships, I was cheated at. All that is left with me is a broken heart. It has been one year since the last relationship and I'm proud to say, I survived. 


At first I thought, I was just crushing at you. However, as time passes by, I realized that you are the first person whom I thought in the morning when I wake up. You are also the last person that I think of before I go to bed. And also, if you asked me, how often do I think about you, I would like to say, "everyday. You never left my mind." So yeah, I'm falling for you. You colour my dream every night, you are the reason why I found myself smiling for no apparent reason. But what I didn't know is that, during the four month of your hiatus, you had found someone. Or maybe, that is just a statement that you blurted out to save yourself from the common question from relatives who came to visit you once a year, during festive season. I don't know. Only you know the answer. When I asked for the truth, you told me that even your best friend doesn't know about her. At first I thought, maybe you're just not ready to tell anyone about her yet. But when I think about it, and after talking to my bestie, we concluded that you are not seeing anyone right now. Let's face it: which girl in their right mind would want to be in a relationship where nobody except them know about it? I know a lot of people who are in a relationship; theirs friends know about the relationship, but not what's going on in the relationship. I was in that kind of relationship before. I know. Even Beyonce and Jay-Z is in that kind of relationship. Now what say you mister?



And it was my best friend who told me this,

"Maybe he is trying to tell you that he is not ready for any kinds of commitment. Not yet."

 It hits me in the head real hard. But if that is true, than why aren't we in contact with each other? All we have is almost interactions and awkward moments. I remembered what Hany said to me before,




Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.

But perhaps, I am living the greatest irony of love.


I know I had lived through the second irony of love, because that was the worst downfall in a relationship that I ever had. I'm just hoping that I don't have to go through the third irony of love because I don't think my poor heart can take it. Enough is enough dear Lord. So basically, right now I am living the first irony of love. How long will this stay? I can't possibly tell. Maybe until the day you became a distant memory perhaps?


Maybe it is too early to say you are the one that got away. I will be turning 22 next week and my journey is still a long way to go. Therefore, I shall surrender everything to God, for He knows best. 


But even if we are not meant to be together, perhaps there is a reason why He asks you to come back into my life after fate seperated us. Though I may not know it now, I will know it someday, I hope.

CONVERSATION

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