Day 96 of 366

My best guess (and so do the rest of the girls) is that, this is what he is doing to me. He is doing what I did to him when everything was still so rosy. And I've got to admit, it hurts a lot. I can't say on what level that it hurts for you, but the way that you 'played' this game, hurts me so much. There are days that I speculated a lot before I go to sleep. There are days that I looked for a sign to see what or how everything went wrong when it was so rosy then. And if this is what you are doing to me, I can totally say, I hate me too because I notice it later (I won't say "too late" because I believe that everything has it's own timing). I'm sorry if I didn't notice you then, that I was so wrapped up thinking of the ex when he is clearly moving on and you are the person who is willing to listen to my stories when nobody seem to care about it or beg me to move on already. I blame myself for failing to see all the signs that you do like me (don't you lie to me, most people I asked said no guys would do what you do if you have no feelings towards me) and the signs that God is trying to give me whenever I asked for them. I will try to be more vigilant next time. I think I am now. I thank God for the circle of friends I have now. They really are my eyes and my ears. Indeed the siblings that my parents forgot to give (not that I don't love my own siblings, I love them in my own way). But I can never hate you, even if you ask me to. Just like the lyrics to Geisha's Cinta dan Benci goes,

"Sungguh aku tak bisa, sampai kapan pun tak bisa membenci dirimu. Sesungguhnya aku tak mampu. Sulit untuk ku bisa, sangat sulit ku tak bisa memisahkan segala cinta dan benci yang ku rasa."

But I do beg, we do need to end this 'game' soon, if what we felt is the same, if we really worth the try. Because I've wasted so many 11:11 wishes, eyelashes, you name it, hoping that we will be together. And they say,

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with."

I let you go once, and you came back to me. Now, it seems like you are the one letting me go. Setting me free. You were the one who gave me wings for me to fly upon I achieved my freedom. And perhaps, you are the one testing me to see, whether I will come back to you or not. My answer is, I will, but give me time because I had a feeling that our timing now is indeed not right. 

I just hope that everything is not too late for us, if there is 'US' to begin with.


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