Forever alone

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Last Wednesday, after three days staying with Vic at Allamanda, I finally went back to my home sweet home. But before heading home, I decided to go and visit my grandma since it has been a while since I last visited her, and I'm worried that after Wednesday, I might not have the time to visit her over the weekends. But papa is back, so I guess we'll be visiting with her again this weekend :D.

So I had many talks with her, about history, Chinese dramas (yes, I do watch Chinese drama, ONLY with her, haha), life, etc. During one of those talks, Aunty Cyn suddenly talked about Mount Santubong. I think it was Aunty La who started talking about it. And then ama told us that Mount Santubong's shape actually looks like a woman. Then I remembered I told this fact to someone when we went to the beach exactly one month ago and that we actually took photo with the mountain as the background. So I showed to ama (that's how I call her) the photo of us and she was like, 

"Who is this guy? He looks so handsome and tall."
I told her, he's the Chinese friend (if you actually read my blog, yes, I've actually talked to my grandma about you. Tidak apa kan?) that I told her about. Yalah, nama pun kawan kan? But typical orang tua, every boys who took photo with me, are my "boy"friends. Baiklah *nods*. And then she asked me where he's from, what Chinese is he (you know, Foochow kah, Teochew kah, like that bah) etc. so I told her. After I told her those information, she suddenly said this,

"If possible, don't get married to a Chinese. You'll end up 'nguai' to them."
For those of you who wonder, what is 'nguai', it is actually an Iban tradition where it determines who you are going to live with after you got married, either with your husband's family side, or your side, if you are a woman and vice versa for the male. I don't really understand much of the adat because my parents never talk to me about it, maybe because they don't want me to get married (their secret wish, who knows? Haha), but I found out eventually from my friends, as well as ama. But I'm gonna explain it anyways, though this is not my words, it's taken from another blog (click here to go directly to the post).

"In the ancient days, the Ibans were very particular about their daughters and sons going to marry. This was because 'nguai' was a very important issue in the social and economic system of the Iban people.- In the modern day of Iban, though the 'Nguai' system seems not so significant anymore, but its a tradition that will take place during the wedding ceremony. And mostly, people nowaday will choose 'Tengah Hari', means not 'Nguai' to anybody.
Basically, there are 2 adat exists in the 'Tikah Iban'
1. Ambi Indu - (Take the women - The women will 'Nguai' to her husband.
2. Anjung Lelaki - (Send the man - The man will 'Nguai' to his wife.
 Some you may wonder, what is this 'Nguai' anyway?
           Nguai is a practice to decide whether the woman should stay with her own family (Not Nguai to her husband) or not (Nguai to her husband) after the marriage, and VICE VERSA.
           Should an Iban family has only a daughter, her intended husband and his family should agree to let him live with the girl's family. His social status would then be of a son-in-law who becomes a part of the family - physically, socially and economically. If his family did not agree with the terms and conditions, the mariage will not take place and the girl's family will have to find another suitor. However, if the man is the only son in the family, then his family sets the rule. The marriage would not take place if the girl's family did not agree with his rules."

Upon hearing what she said (the "nguai" thing), my heart fell. And suddenly I remembered about what she previously had said about most guys I befriended. That Iban guys are like this, Bidayuh guys are like that. Orang Ulu guys are like this and that. Now, Chinese people are like this that that this. So, if that's the case, nobody is good enough to be with me lah? And I will end up forever alone (God, don't take this to heart. I know You are always there. I mean in terms of companionship) lah if like that? Am I that great of a person that I cannot end up being with anyone I want? Maybe what she was trying to tell me is one thing, but for my 22-year-old mind, this is how I interpret it currently. So now, I'm not suppose to be in a relationship for I'm still studying, at least that is what I interpret of what my parents are signalling. But what if one day, when I'm a career woman, an independent woman, and I don't want to be tied down, you people are asking me to find a companion; doesn't that mean it's contradicting with what you have told me earlier? Sometimes orang tuai speaks of things in a confusing manner, and I as the youngster interpret it on another manner makes me even more confuse of what I want and what they (as in my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles) want for me. And to add salt at that, I am the kind of person who actually cares about what people think about me, when I am alone. Which is not a good thing I tell you.


Perhaps, happy ending is not meant for me yet. I guess I'll just have to wait for another year. Sigh.

CONVERSATION

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