C'est La Vie: late night thoughts

Showing posts with label late night thoughts. Show all posts

nowplaying: Chasing Pavements - Adele

I am at this age where I'm "supposedly" have a potential life partner in had,

and I am supposed to plan my wedding and prepare to get married.

Then after the wedding, I am supposed to bear children.

Then after that, take care of my kids.

Then, watch them grow.

However, I am nowhere near figuring that out.

Heck, I am still struggling with what to wear to office tomorrow (because preparing early avoids being late in the morning hahaha).

And I am supposed to figure out about my life partner?

To have their presence in my life now?

I understand the fear that some parents (or grandparents, for that matter) that when their child (grandchildren) reaches a certain age and they have yet to have a potential partner in their life,

But sometimes, I feel that some parents do not try to understand their children's position; especially in today's world where everything is overpriced and the value of our money is shrinking.

How is one expected to build a new life with loans to begin with?

Personal loan - for a lavish wedding to impress the many people that you don't even know

(I'm using my culture as an example; not intended to hurt anybody out there); and most of the time they are the relatives that you don't even know.

Credit cards - to buy the things that you might not need today

Perhaps that's the reason why we heard of so many cases of divorces in this era.

Because they feel so pressured of their parents' nagging; their grand uncles/aunties *mind you, that you only met ONCE a year, during certain FESTIVE SEASON* question of "When is your turn?" etc.

I have this friend, who got married because she feels that she is getting "old".

And when she got pregnant, her husband still continues to go clubbing until the wee hours of the morning, just like those days when they were still dating.

Except this time, he goes ALONE.

He can't even take a day off just to accompany her for her routine check up.

Instead, he asked, "Is it necessary for you to go check up every few weeks? You're pregnant. So?"

The nerve of that guy. *rolls eyes*

The moment when my father hinted about marriage *do note that he was drunk at the time. So I only take the urgency to act upon it at 50%*, I answered him this:

"Pa, do you think it is easy to find a life partner? It's not like baju, where I can take it when I want it, and leave it when I feel that it no longer serve a purpose for me."

He said I sounded like this particular cousin of mine, who happens to share the same birthday as me (she was born five, six years earlier than me (?) though).

I remember, that before she got married, her younger brother told us cousins that she used to have a checklist of what kind of husband she wants.

Ridiculous checklist like this. REALLY?

Ended up, the guy she is marrying is DEFINITELY the opposite of the one that she wanted.

Well, as the saying goes,

"WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMON, YOU MAKE LEMONADE."

I'm not saying that I have ridiculous check list like,

"He must be 6 feet tall."

"He must be driving a Lancer."

"He must have 6 pack."

and the list goes on and on I do not wanna bore you with details.

But what is the use of being 6 feet tall if he can't even shelter you with an umbrella when it rains?

What is the use of driving a Lancer if he can't even be punctual for your date?

What is the use of having those 6 pack when he can't even comfort you when you are at your lowest?

Get what I mean?

To me, as long as my future husband respect my parents like how he respect his,

care for my siblings like how he care for his,

adore my grandparents like how he adore his,

*please take note that this are just the certain things that I have on my mind right now on my potential life partner. And no, this is not a check list that you can just "TICK" the moment I think I found a right guy in my life*

I am happy to have him as my life partner.

But

Until the time comes, let me just enjoy my single-hood.

Let me just complete some life goals that can only be done while I am still single.

Let me build as many friendships as I can; and KEEP the ones that I think deserve to be kept.

The most important thing:

Let me just GROW to be the kind of person I want to meet.

Once I achieve those, I believe God will send me the right person to be in my life.

Nowplaying: Only Hope - Mandy Moore

For the past few weeks,

I tried to spend at least five minutes of my morning (while getting ready for office) by saying my morning prayer.

I was lucky, because I was a born and bred a Catholic, unlike so many people out there who were only baptized later in their life to be a Catholic.

However, I can say that my relationship with God, is somewhat a love-hate relationship.

I know it sounded, wrong.

But who am I to deny, and claimed that my relationship with God is a smooth sailing one.

I am only human.

And because of the love-hate relationship, I can say that there are times that I felt that God purposely test me, especially when it comes to the matter of the heart.

As I had always said to the best friend, "I believe that God is trolling with me. He is toying with my feelings. I get that He wants to teach me a lesson, but must it be this way? By trolling me, toying my feelings away?"

And that is why,most of the time, I find myself only praying when I am in need (or at least I think I needed something ), OR, when I am in church.

Other than that, I never took the time.in the day to actually sit down and really have some 'private conversation ' with God.

*saying what I'm grateful by the end of the day is entirely a different thing though. Don't get me wrong here, now. *

However, lately I found myself to actually enjoy having a few minutes quiet time, alone time to myself.

Without the clearly loud sound from my phone speaker, playing the phone's playlist.

Every day, I took 5 minutes out of my time to actually pray to God.

And I somehow find that peace that I have never felt before.

Something that I cannot explain to you people out there, until you experienced it for yourself.

Yes, I would lie if I say that I don't have problem(s) in life.

Tell me someone who doesn't have a problem. I would like to sit down and talk to them, and ask them how do they live life without a problem.

However, I realized that somehow my problems seems so small, and God is still there for me, even though if I screw up.

Even if I only pray to him once a week prior to this, he still accepts me as His child, with no condition.

A few weeks ago,

I was put into a situation that increases my curiosity, kept wondering of what went wrong.

The list goes on and on.

And yes, it gets tiring sometimes.

It is as if, God is testing my patience again, with a quite a similar event.

So the day before, I actually Google-d on a prayer to increase my patience.

I found the prayer(s), and then some.

I found this one particular article, and I remembered it saying, "never pray to God asking Him to give you patience. God will give you a situation where you will be forced to be patient. "

I was taken aback at this article, but because I was too sleepy to continue, I just stopped at the article.

Then, this morning happen.

I was sitting down, in front of the mirror, as usual, contemplating on whether I should buy my BB cream replacement today or either wise.

Somehow, I remembered about this particular person, and I felt a bit bitter because of what's happening (more like what's NOT happening) between us.

And then, suddenly, it hits me.

Like a thunder.

This feeling, it feels like deja vu all over again.

But this situation was with another person, for how many years ago.

Times may had changed; people come and go in my life.

But apparently, this situation feels too familiar to be true.

And then, I remembered this particular photo that I saw on Twitter.

And it hits me again.

So I asked myself, "why do I feel like I'm beginning to face in the same situation all over again?"

And it hits me, the article from the previous night.

"Never pray to God asking him to give you patience. God will give you a situation where you will be forced to be patient. "

And then I realized,

I've been asking God the wrong way.

No wonder the more I asked God to give me extra patience, He gave me a situation which forces me to somehow compromise, to be patient while finding my way out of it/overcoming it.

I realized that God is making me patient, by throwing me a situation that He knows forces me to learn the hard way.

And I realized that, my faith is still not as strong because I asked Him to keep me near this person, just because I feel that I am ready.

Because I thought that, in the law of attraction, it says that,

"Ask from the Universe what you want, believe that it is already yours, and you will receive it."

And I will receive it, by constantly reminded God and the Universe of what I want.

How wrong I was.

And praying to God to open up the other person's heart, when clearly, the other person is still not ready to, also doesn't determine that their heart will melt like an ice, just like that.

Somehow, it drives them even more away from you.

If not, farther.

Until the moment you try to reconnect with them, or your life paths give you both the chance to cross paths again in life, then you will realized, it will not be the same as before.

Perhaps, sometimes it is not meant to be.

But also, because of your eagerness to move ahead of God, He makes sure you learned your lesson.

And if you didn't, he will repeat the same situation, over and over and over again, until you realize that sometimes, it is not them.

Sometimes,

IT IS YOU.

nowplaying: Try - Colbie Caillat

I don't normally cry in front of my friends (happy tears are a different thing though).

As far as I remembered, I only cried to a number of people that I can count with my own hands.

The only person who consistently had seen/heard me cry is the best friend.

The kumangs had seen me cried once (the one where I sobbed so bad that all I need is a hug to cool it down), and me shedding a few tears once.

Told them before that I don't normally let people see me cry because I don't want them to feel sorry for me.

I don't know why I let my guard down that night.

I don't know why my brain didn't tell the tears receptors in my eyes to not shed a tear in front of someone who I barely knew.

I don't know why I told you about the sad story of how my relationship ended, and how it (somehow) become a turning point for me to building a great wall of China around my heart.

I can ask myself with so many "I don't know whys...." and yet a fact remains.

I let my guard down, and you exploited it.

You exploited my vulnerableness that night, managed to win my heart, and subtly making your moves.

Real smooth, cowboy. Real smooth.

I doubt you even remembered why I cried so hard that night.

Otherwise, you wouldn't have asked me the next day when I clearly moved on from the reason(s) why I cried.

I guess, one cannot control when they let their guard down.

Because sometimes, it just happens.

But the fact that a person exploited a vulnerable person, is just beyond my understanding.

I hope that the next time someone opened up to you, you do not exploit her, like you did to me.

Because I'm sure you wouldn't like it, if someone exploited your vulnerability.

*~~usually, this is when a normal person would include a karma quoted shit, but I've decided not to because he is just not worth it at all.~~*

I am so done..... with your bullshit sweet talk about wanting "to kiss me again".

I am so done.

Go find someone you can kiss and then eventually fuck, because that is what you really want, no?

That someone is just not me though.

nowplaying: Near To You - A Fine Frenzy

After a lengthy heart-to-heart talk with a male friend, I conclude that I am going to delete whatever that is in my heart (or my brain, for that matter) on anything that is related to you.

Sure, we have been contacting each other on again, off again since 3 years ago.

But somehow, after what you did the last time (lead me on, make me feel special, and eventually develop feelings towards you which leads to you telling me that you're actually in a relationship), I never felt so stupid like how I felt two nights ago.

I kept telling myself that I don't want to make the same mistakes that I did six, seven, eight years ago, today, this year, or next year, for that matter.

And look where I am now?

Almost, ALMOST, making that same mistake.

Why do I say almost?

It is because unlike six, seven, eight years ago, I have no male companion to talk about, to tell me that the guy has no intention of turning whatever you have into a real relationship.

I am also not the same person I was six, seven, eight years ago.

Heck, I am not the same person I was a year ago.

I've grown, I've matured in my thinking.

I may be an intuitive person (my intuition are 90% correct most of the time), but now I take my brain with me whenever I think,

and not let the fact that just because we kissed, we had something special.

I know better now.

I know well enough that your excuses of "being busy with work", is just an excuse.

*~~thank you dear best friend for that He's Just Not That Into You book~~*

I know well enough that the fact that you only contact me via Whatsapp instead of making an effort to at least call me once in a while to ask about my day (wtf, you never asked about my day. Only I do. All you do is talk about how that kiss "meant" so much to you, horny douche), shows your "effort" in our "friendship".

And I damn realized that the fact that you can't FREAKING STOP talking about our kiss shows that you only lust for me, and you seriously have no intention of being serious with me.

Despite the fact you said that you try not to lust at me, but said something totally different after that, confirms the fact that you are indeed just treating me like a booty call, in the future.

I am sorry my friend.

The next time you Whatsapp me, if you're wondering why I give you a cold shoulder,

maybe you should just do some reflection or muhasabah diri as what they call it, on what your actions are as compared to what you've said to me.

Because I'm sure you do not want to hear me speak my mind.

My mind is a dangerous place, full of unfiltered thoughts, especially for a douche like you.

nowplaying: Life is Wonderful - Jason Mraz

Last night, Rachel texted me and as usual, from one thing leads to another and somehow, we ended up discussing about somebody else's problem as if the burden of the world is on our shoulders. Yeah I know, we are over-thinkers like that. That's why she's my soul sister. Haha.

And I realized that our discussions can actually be blogged, from my perspective. ~~And because Rachel insist on me writing because she misses my proper, deep thought post. Haha.~~

I'm sure everyone has a friend who always give great advice. Regardless, in life, studies, or even relationships. And do you ever realize, especially in relationship advice, it's the person who is single who always gives those great, killer, ah-ha moment advice? Heck, when I was downward spiraling after my relationship failed, Hany, my best friend, who never dated anyone back then, was the person who gave lots and lots of advice. The person who is ready to tell me the truth even if it hurts. Well, that is the example that I have in my life. I'm sure by now, after reading this paragraph you already have someone in mind, no? Keep it to yourself and continue reading the next paragraph.

But do you realize, too, that this particular person, despite of the great advice that they give to you, and somehow manage to get you back on your feet, is the person who never takes their own advice? I'm sure by now you'll be thinking, "eh yakah? But s/he seems happy. Or maybe s/he has problem(s) too, but not willing to open up to me." No?

Life's irony.

Because these are the people who have been hurt, bruised, drop down very low to the point that it is impossible to get up, but somehow the managed to find their way to stand up on their two feet again. Be it by themselves through self discovering journey, or maybe they got help from some good Samaritan that somehow change their life 360 degrees. That is how they can come up with great advice to us who are in trouble.

But now you may wonder, why don't they take their own advice when something happens to them? Or, seek help from other people for that matter? Perhaps, deep in their heart and mind thought that by asking help from other people is a sign of weakness. And that is not someone that they wish to portray, for they have been so strong and are able to give advice to other people. Are you one of those people, or do you know anyone who is like that?

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with admitting that you are hurt, or you are having problems for that matter. And for someone who is always got into troubles my whole life, I know with the help of others, especially from the people you trust, you can get back up on your feet in no time. Just because you gave great advice to your friends, doesn't mean you are capable enough in handling your own problems. For all you know, they might give you a greater advice than the one you gave to them when they were down in the dumps.

Another key to this problem is by finding the right person to consult to. This might be hard if you think you have trust issues. But I'm sure there is someone, among your circle of friends, or maybe your family for that matter, that you can go to when you are having problem. And it may not be only one person, because let's face it, nobody is perfect. For example, if your friend A is very good in giving relationship advice, then go to him/her when you are having that problem. Or if you are having problem with your family, and your friend B can relate to you, then by all means, go and pour out your heart and soul to B. It's the same concept in real life where when you are sick, you go to the doctors. Or when your car is having problem, you go to a mechanic. Takkanlah when your car broke down you go and call a plumber? Get my logic here? I always consider myself lucky because despite of the small circle friends that I have (I know a lot of people, but not many people know me. Sedih kan? Haha), I know who I can go to whenever I am having a problem or when I just need someone to listen to me. I always call them my blessings, because it is true, they are my blessings despite of the imperfections of my life.

And if you happen to be the person who your friend suddenly turns to when they are having problems (I've had my share on this just this month, and I am still shock until now haha), the key is to not judge them when they are pouring their heart and soul to you. Who are you to judge them, when they gambled their trust just to share with you or ask your opinion about their problem. Empathized. Try and imagine if you are in their shoes, that you have nobody to turn to but only this one person. Just because someone sin differently, doesn't mean you get to judge them, without realizing you, too, sin as well.

Time and time again, I always run to Hany whenever I feel that the black hole (only she knows what I mean here. I am just gonna leave it to that) is sucking me to it. And time and time again, without fail, she always says the right things at the right time, at the right moment. I have always wondered how she does it without fail, until I realized that she never judges me for the choices that I make, be it the right ones or the wrong ones. You can give as many advice as you want, but in the end of the day, it is their decision whether they want to take your advice or leave it. As a friend, what you can do is, listen to their problems, never, EVER, judge, and hope that somehow that whatever you say may knock into their brain somehow. And if you are a spiritual person, you can also pray for them so that they may get the wisdom that they need in making decision.

If you think you want to be a blessing to someone's life, start small, by helping the ones who are down and in need of help. Listen to those who actually needs help, even when they think they don't. You will never know how big the outcome that might be by helping someone.

"Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go"

You know how people always say that "you never appreciate the one you love, until they are gone"? I guess it's just in our humble human form that God created, that we only appreciate people once they're gone. Best examples?

TAN SRI P.RAMLEE

Before succumbed to a heart attack which actually lead to his death, Tan Sri P.Ramlee was vilified, and humiliated. People kept saying that his artwork is no longer relevant. And look at our film industry today. I can say, and I believe others too will agree with me, that nobody can produce a film half as good as
P.Ramlee did.

AMY WINEHOUSE

She had been battling with alcohol and substance abuse for quite some time. Even made a song about refusing to go to rehab because she thought she was fine. Ironically, that was how she died, at a very young age of 27. Only then, people kept saying how we need more talented people like her.

MICHAEL JACKSON

Need I say more about him? With the many controversies surrounding him before his death, with people kept misjudge him for many reasons, suddenly, on June 25th 2009, when he passed away, everyone is claiming that they are his fans. I know my twelve-year-old cousin admitted to this (she was only eight at the time). If you are his true fan, where were you when he was misjudged? Where were you when people said so many bad things about him?

Those people I've chosen are only just a few people that are only appreciated when they are gone. We don't have to look far though. How about our love ones? Our mother, father, grandparents, siblings. Spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends even. Did you take them for granted, or do you only appreciate them only when they are gone? Listen to the song above, understand the meaning.

And once you do, tell your love ones how much you appreciate them,

in any ways you can.

Even a small gesture will mean so much to them.

Don't wait till they are gone then you say that you

appreciate them.

Don't be like this dude in this song.

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MJ

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Figuring out life

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Falling Slowly

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This complicated thing call RELATIONSHIP

I don't know you, but I want you....

"Only know you love her when you let her go...."

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