Marcy.

Xoxo.

1:29 A.M

Kuching time.

It's quiet right now. Everybody's sleeping, for it is a school night. I couldn't get myself to sleep. I am sleepy, but I know if I off the lights, all I do is toss and turn; thinking of you, making scenes that I know will not happen in reality. It is so quiet, that I can hear your voice saying all those things that you've said to me before. After September 2011, everything changes. We are no longer close than we used to be. You no longer text me like you did before; you never replied my text to begin with. I know that you are busy, but as busy as you are, if I am someone that you actually consider important in your life, you would reply my text no? Because you know I will do that for you. In fact, I do that to those whom I really care. I guess, you don't care about me anymore. I guess, after you've seen how independent I am after you bring out the best in me, you think that I don't need you anymore in my life. But yet, I still think that I do need you. And that explains why I still look for you whenever I find myself getting into trouble, because I think that I need you to help me. 

However, 

as the days go by, I realized that I don't need you as much. I have been down in the dumps lately, all I can think off is depressing thoughts. That I might be failing a couple of subjects this semester. There was that one point I actually wanted to call you and talk to you, just like old times. But who am I kidding? Old times are what it is, old. And you have other priorities too. Who am I talking about? I'm talking about her. She needs you more than I do. I survived my break up long ago. She is going through it, of course she needs you more. And who knows, with you being by her side (although it may be only one phone call away), she will survived too, just like me. 

I can't deny that you helped me a lot during the whole ordeal. Having those late night talks with you, I finally found what I have lost which I thought I still had, ME. And by the way you treated me, I know I am very safe whenever I am out with you. I had never feel that safe even when I was with A before. You made me feel very special, maybe I took it the wrong way, I thought you only do that to me. Turns out, you do that to her too. And her, and her, and her.....

Nevertheless, 

The way you treated me, made me fall in love with you. And to tell you the truth, this is the first time I had fallen in love with my heart, and not with my eyes. Before this (I'm taking into account my serious relationships only, not the flings/crushes), when I was 14 I fell in love with a bad boy because I was rebelling. When I was 16, I fell in love because of his good looks.  And when I was 18, I fell in love because someone promised me the world. But guess what? In all those three relationships, I was cheated at. All that is left with me is a broken heart. It has been one year since the last relationship and I'm proud to say, I survived. 

 It hits me in the head real hard. But if that is true, than why aren't we in contact with each other? All we have is almost interactions and awkward moments. I remembered what Hany said to me before,

Finally got the guts to text him, and asking for his time to talk to him. Simply because I want the truth from him. I'm tired of assuming. What if I assume wrong? Doesn't that mean that I am actually making a stigmata on him which is not true? But I am afraid that what I assume is right. Because if it is right, it means that he belongs to her now. I no longer have a chance to even get to know him better than I did over the summer holidays. However, even if the truth hurts (assuming that they are together), doesn't mean my life stops there, right? And I told Hany that I don't want to end my 2011 with regrets; bad enough I'm ending this year as a single lady (haha, jk. I'm not whining. I'm just not used to the fact that I am single this time). If I end my year with assuming something wrong (or right), it will be my first regret ever since I had been breathing for these 21 years. So yeah. And that was the last response that I got from him. Now, I'm waiting for the 'call' that might/might not happen. I say 'might not' because he said to me that he is not sure when is he free enough to let me call him. My first instinct was, he is AVOIDING me. And my spirit just went down the drain. Nevertheless, thanks to God for giving me a wonderful best friend, Hany told me her point of view, that he is not trying (based on the stories about him that he heard from me) to avoid me. Maybe he is, genuinely busy. If you are, I shall concur. But I really hope, before the year ends, I will know the truth and we both will live with no regrets. You know, if it was really up to me (and not considering how busy you are), I want to meet you up and chat with you all night long. I miss doing that you know. But reality kicks me hard in the butt, so I just settle with a phone call (which I really hope you consider).

I doubt that you'll be reading my blog, cz I know you don't know the existence of it. Even if you do, it doesn't matter anyway. I doubt that you know this is about you. I'm not going to write much this time. Instead, I just let all the quotations do the talking.