C'est La Vie: just another emo post

Showing posts with label just another emo post. Show all posts

nowplaying: Try - Colbie Caillat

I don't normally cry in front of my friends (happy tears are a different thing though).

As far as I remembered, I only cried to a number of people that I can count with my own hands.

The only person who consistently had seen/heard me cry is the best friend.

The kumangs had seen me cried once (the one where I sobbed so bad that all I need is a hug to cool it down), and me shedding a few tears once.

Told them before that I don't normally let people see me cry because I don't want them to feel sorry for me.

I don't know why I let my guard down that night.

I don't know why my brain didn't tell the tears receptors in my eyes to not shed a tear in front of someone who I barely knew.

I don't know why I told you about the sad story of how my relationship ended, and how it (somehow) become a turning point for me to building a great wall of China around my heart.

I can ask myself with so many "I don't know whys...." and yet a fact remains.

I let my guard down, and you exploited it.

You exploited my vulnerableness that night, managed to win my heart, and subtly making your moves.

Real smooth, cowboy. Real smooth.

I doubt you even remembered why I cried so hard that night.

Otherwise, you wouldn't have asked me the next day when I clearly moved on from the reason(s) why I cried.

I guess, one cannot control when they let their guard down.

Because sometimes, it just happens.

But the fact that a person exploited a vulnerable person, is just beyond my understanding.

I hope that the next time someone opened up to you, you do not exploit her, like you did to me.

Because I'm sure you wouldn't like it, if someone exploited your vulnerability.

*~~usually, this is when a normal person would include a karma quoted shit, but I've decided not to because he is just not worth it at all.~~*

I am so done..... with your bullshit sweet talk about wanting "to kiss me again".

I am so done.

Go find someone you can kiss and then eventually fuck, because that is what you really want, no?

That someone is just not me though.

*background music: Distance by Christina Perri and Jason Mraz*

This post is specially dedicated to my best friend, Hany Kipalli.

Remember the time when I asked you to listen to Distance by Christina Perri and Jason Mraz for the first time to understand my feelings towards him (whom shall I call, Mr Vadega. That is not his real name. Identity is sealed to avoid any misunderstandings) and you'll understand how I felt? At that time, my intention was to tell you that, I do love him, but I'm not at the point where I'm ready to tell him how I feel. Hence, the DISTANCE.

But you said, this song has a really sad meaning (although I can't seem to recall now what you said about it though) and that you're sad because I felt that way, and that I shouldn't feel that way, especially when it comes to loving someone.

Today, as of 17/12/2012, I found out that the song is indeed about loving someone at the wrong time in your life, where you can't express your true feeling towards the person. Christina Perri said, "it's very hard to keep a love secret", which I really agree, because as days progresses by, it's getting obvious that I was in love (or perhaps, infatuated) with Mr Vadega. That towards the end, hurts me. And I had promised myself that I will continue to love him, as long as I don't hurt myself. But I broke my own promise. You know that, you are the witness. It was a very emotional roller coaster, that makes my break up one year ago seems easier to forget. And so, I can conclude that, our timing is never right to begin with. Primary school days, secondary school days, university days. Our timing is never right. Unfortunately.

So, I guess I had live the first irony of love, "loving the right person at the wrong time" for this year. Last year was "loving the wrong person at the right time". I just hope, I don't have to live through the third irony of love. Love is not for me, well, at least for now. I assume that God wants the best of me in something else first, and only then, love will come to me.

Yes, I am a big believer of "everyone has their own soulmate". You may puke upon reading this, but it will not change my opinion on this. Never. I'd like to believe that I'm just unlucky in love, for now that is. For the time being, I'll just concentrate on making the people around me happy, and maybe then, I will be happy.

And I'll make sure to keep my distance, say I love you when you're not listening. How long can we keep this up, up, UP?

Last Wednesday, after three days staying with Vic at Allamanda, I finally went back to my home sweet home. But before heading home, I decided to go and visit my grandma since it has been a while since I last visited her, and I'm worried that after Wednesday, I might not have the time to visit her over the weekends. But papa is back, so I guess we'll be visiting with her again this weekend :D.

So I had many talks with her, about history, Chinese dramas (yes, I do watch Chinese drama, ONLY with her, haha), life, etc. During one of those talks, Aunty Cyn suddenly talked about Mount Santubong. I think it was Aunty La who started talking about it. And then ama told us that Mount Santubong's shape actually looks like a woman. Then I remembered I told this fact to someone when we went to the beach exactly one month ago and that we actually took photo with the mountain as the background. So I showed to ama (that's how I call her) the photo of us and she was like,

"Who is this guy? He looks so handsome and tall."

I told her, he's the Chinese friend (if you actually read my blog, yes, I've actually talked to my grandma about you. Tidak apa kan?) that I told her about. Yalah, nama pun kawan kan? But typical orang tua, every boys who took photo with me, are my "boy"friends. Baiklah *nods*. And then she asked me where he's from, what Chinese is he (you know, Foochow kah, Teochew kah, like that bah) etc. so I told her. After I told her those information, she suddenly said this,

"If possible, don't get married to a Chinese. You'll end up 'nguai' to them."

For those of you who wonder, what is 'nguai', it is actually an Iban tradition where it determines who you are going to live with after you got married, either with your husband's family side, or your side, if you are a woman and vice versa for the male. I don't really understand much of the adat because my parents never talk to me about it, maybe because they don't want me to get married (their secret wish, who knows? Haha), but I found out eventually from my friends, as well as ama. But I'm gonna explain it anyways, though this is not my words, it's taken from another blog (click here to go directly to the post).

"In the ancient days, the Ibans were very particular about their daughters and sons going to marry. This was because 'nguai' was a very important issue in the social and economic system of the Iban people.- In the modern day of Iban, though the 'Nguai' system seems not so significant anymore, but its a tradition that will take place during the wedding ceremony. And mostly, people nowaday will choose 'Tengah Hari', means not 'Nguai' to anybody.

Basically, there are 2 adat exists in the 'Tikah Iban'

1. Ambi Indu - (Take the women - The women will 'Nguai' to her husband.
2. Anjung Lelaki - (Send the man - The man will 'Nguai' to his wife.
Some you may wonder, what is this 'Nguai' anyway?
Nguai is a practice to decide whether the woman should stay with her own family (Not Nguai to her husband) or not (Nguai to her husband) after the marriage, and VICE VERSA.
Should an Iban family has only a daughter, her intended husband and his family should agree to let him live with the girl's family. His social status would then be of a son-in-law who becomes a part of the family - physically, socially and economically. If his family did not agree with the terms and conditions, the mariage will not take place and the girl's family will have to find another suitor. However, if the man is the only son in the family, then his family sets the rule. The marriage would not take place if the girl's family did not agree with his rules."

Upon hearing what she said (the "nguai" thing), my heart fell. And suddenly I remembered about what she previously had said about most guys I befriended. That Iban guys are like this, Bidayuh guys are like that. Orang Ulu guys are like this and that. Now, Chinese people are like this that that this. So, if that's the case, nobody is good enough to be with me lah? And I will end up forever alone (God, don't take this to heart. I know You are always there. I mean in terms of companionship) lah if like that? Am I that great of a person that I cannot end up being with anyone I want? Maybe what she was trying to tell me is one thing, but for my 22-year-old mind, this is how I interpret it currently. So now, I'm not suppose to be in a relationship for I'm still studying, at least that is what I interpret of what my parents are signalling. But what if one day, when I'm a career woman, an independent woman, and I don't want to be tied down, you people are asking me to find a companion; doesn't that mean it's contradicting with what you have told me earlier? Sometimes orang tuai speaks of things in a confusing manner, and I as the youngster interpret it on another manner makes me even more confuse of what I want and what they (as in my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles) want for me. And to add salt at that, I am the kind of person who actually cares about what people think about me, when I am alone. Which is not a good thing I tell you.

Perhaps, happy ending is not meant for me yet. I guess I'll just have to wait for another year. Sigh.