A Letter to the Person Who Made Me Who I Am Today
nowplaying – Ku
Pilih Hatimu (Ussy & Andhika Pratama)
It has been, three years, ever since you let me go and
moved on way ahead without me. All the dreams that we had dreamt together, gone
just like that, like it never meant a thing to you. I will never forget the
moment that you decided to just give up on us, when I was willing to try again.
AGAIN. Yes, we had our moments of giving up on each other, not once, not twice,
but a few times. However, somehow our love seems to manage to overcome
everything. But eventually, love is not enough.
I spend three years, searching for answers, demanding
for answers, looking for love at the wrong places. But then I eventually
realize, the one missing element of these never ending puzzles of love is
actually, myself. I had forgotten how to love myself that I thought by having a
significant other in my life will make me complete. How wrong I was. I never
realized that throughout all those years being involved in a relationship, I
lost who I was; the little girl with a big voice who loves to tell stories to
others. I become the person whom the other person expected me to be; for fear
of if I don’t be like whom they want me to be, they will not love me more than
they do.
And surprisingly, the moment I took the decision to
love myself for all the good and the flaws of me, good things started to come
to me. I finally found the people who actually make me feel good for being
myself, being Marcella Julan. I found someone who is responsible in bringing me
and groom me and slowly nurture me to be into who I want to be, which is to be
a leader for a group of great people. If it were not for you, I have not known
that I actually have a soul mate, in the form of a female, whom I fondly call
my “soul sister”. Before this, I had
always thought that soul mates come in the form of a guy (or a girl, if you are
a guy). I was wrong. She is the proof that I can find a soul mate in the form
of a girl, a sister from another mother, you can safely say that. If it weren’t
for you, I would actually forget that I am actually an independent person in my
own way. I know I have always been independent, being the eldest, and having to
have to face a certain degree of difficulties when I was younger. But when you
came, you assured me that you will always be there for me if I needed anything.
I took your words for it, even though at first, it was not easy for me.
Eventually, when I was getting used to it, you leave, just like that, leaving
me helpless in a way. But because I had always been independent long before you
came into my life, it didn’t took me long enough to get back up on my feet.
I will not tell the world how you ended things (only
those who are lucky enough will know the story) because I believe that it is
your moment of weakness; everyone has their own moment of weakness. Even I do.
Despite of how things end, I decided to forgive you for what you have done. I
still remember the best friend’s reaction on my decision to decide to forgive
you; she thought that I was crazy, or something. But I told her, that I’ve
tried to be angry at what you have done, but when I do, it makes me realize
that I actually love you more. So to just end the misery of loving someone who
doesn’t loves me back, I decided to just forgive you. For you make mistakes,
you are only human. Even a priest has his own patience, what more to say you,
who had to endure so many temper tantrums of mine. Only after a while I found
out that actually, it takes courage to forgive someone who has hurt you. I
guess, you have made me courageous enough that I can actually decide to forgive
you, even before knowing that fact.
I can go on and on about what have you done in making
an impact in my life but I decided not to because I don’t think the world would
want to know. I know you wouldn’t want the world to know, because I know how
private of a person you are. And you actually taught me that too, that not
everything should be shared to everyone. My close friends know how extrovert I
am, but they too know how much I value my privacy, especially on social media. So
thank you for teaching me that valuable lesson, among all of the lessons you
have taught me on life, love, work, and dreams.
If there is one thing that I have wanted ever since
three years ago, I would say that I just want a proper closure. As for the
answers to the questions that keeps on playing on my head like a broken record,
I can say that most of it is eventually answered after a series of events that
happened (not necessarily to me, but in a way, I can see how the event affected
the people I love and know). And if possible, I want to say “thank you” to you in person, I want you
to know, that despite of how things ended between us, it eventually made me,
mould me into a better person, into who I am today. I believe that God sent you
into my life for a reason, and He removes you from my life from a reason too.
And for whatever reasons they are, I am thankful for that. You are just a
chapter in my life; the best, and the worst chapter(s) in my life. I am now at
a different chapter of my life, it feels like a new beginning to me. A new
city, surrounded by people I don’t really know, and a totally different
environment. But it’s a good change, because I like it here. In some ways, I
feel like I’m coming home, and I can foresee myself staying here for a very
long time. I may not be lucky in terms of the closure part as the next person I
know, but I guess perhaps it’s for a reason. I feel like I’m ready, but maybe
God thinks I’m not. Who knows bah, kan? So
I just end this letter to you by saying “thank
you” and good luck in your life. God knows how much I want the best for
you, although I don’t know how much you wish the best for me. May God bless you
always in life.
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